Thursday, December 29, 2011

Perception of Beauty

You know, I am a very negative person when it comes to my outlook on myself; always have been. It is not to look for pity from others. It is not to "fish for compliments". It is just a fact. I am not sure why I can't seem to find confidence in myself. I do not understand why I am always so negative, when I have a wonderful guy who loves me, and a beautiful little girl who came from me. A part of me has to be attractive in some way to create someone so perfect. I am trying not to perceive myself so negatively though. I'm trying to pick out the things in myself that I can actually consider to be attractive.

If I can be honest though, I do have a lot of work to do for myself. Not to achieve the beauty that is perceived by the masses, but to feel pretty for me. It's not enough to be reassured by the people around you that you "look fine". I want to be able to see it through my own eyes. It might sound crazy but I want to actually feel pretty. I want to not be doubtful, because I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

To do this, yes, I need to lose quite a bit of weight, actually. Having a baby is no excuse to let your body become what mine has. I am embarrased. As if stretch marks weren't enough, I have about 80-100 pounds that should not be there based on my height. That's not based on anorexic standards, that's based on a healthy lifestyle. I am ashamed that I have let myself become like this because of my pure laziness.

I also need to find motivation within myself because I know that I will never feel attractive unless I start trying. I have already taken on the role as "house wife". Not cute, stepfordy, but frumpy, married 40 years kind. I want motivation to get up in the morning and put effort into the way I look. I know I need to do this because if I don't feel attractive, I know I must not look it either.

Anyway, that's a lot to throw out there but I figured maybe if I wrote it all down I could remind myself of these goals that I need to actually keep.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


So here lately we have been thinking a lot and have been trying to work on plans for the not so near future; like in the next 5 years. Ava will be old enough to start school by then, and to be honest, I do not want her going to school here on the northside, which is too quickly becoming more and more dangerous. So we have decided to send her to one in nassau; callahan to be specific. The only issue with that, is we have to have a callahan address in order to do so, so we were thinking about building a of these actually:

Pretty nice, right? and by then we should have everything established to be able to do so, and Chad will be moving up even more at JEA, so...yah. Pretty exciting stuff I think.

I have also decided that I want to go back and get my Associate's degree so I can get a job up there as well. Obviously not doing the same kind of work though. lol.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Almost a month


Yes, we're smiling noticeably now. =)

I am starting back working a couple of nights a week starting this week coming up. My trial run was tuesday and I admit, I was kind of nervous. It may not seem like a lot, but a month is a long time to be out of work, for someone who is used to being a crazy workaholic; stealing everyone's shifts away. haha. It will probably only be 2-3 shifts a week though, nothing crazy. I don't have time for anything too drastic, since I have this new full-time mommy thing going on, and I refuse to pay 200 a week for a sitter. So I'm Going to only work nights/weekends when Chad is home to watch her. Which works out. I'm actually ok with only a few shifts though. It is crazy that tuesday night I was literally only at work for 3 1/2 hours and I was having Ava withdrawals something fierce! Not to mention, I would actually like to have time off with Chad every once in a while, and if I did something crazy like work 40 hours a week, that would never happen. Heck, I might not even keep working if it's that crazy. We shall see I guess.

I have to say that it amazes me how much she has changed in these few short weeks that she has been here. It's so awesome. Her little smiles, her constant cooing, how she is already trying to scoot herself across the floor, and hold her head up. And I look at all of her hospital pics and already she looks like a totally different baby to me, and she's not even a month old yet! I am so thankful for the fact that I am here pretty much all day, every day with her, so I can have that much needed bonding experience. Yes, I am infatuated, as is her daddy...I think he may already be wrapped =)

Anyhoo...that's the biz.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

November 17th

Today was my actual due date so I figured it was as good a day as any for an Ava update. I am quickly learning what it means to go on little to no sleep, and I won't deny, it's hard. She sleeps all day every day, and wants to be awake all night long. I'm pooped, seriously. What makes it worse, is I feel like I waste my day away taking naps and house is still in utter chaos from when we moved, which bothers me. ughhh.

I just...I feel like I'm still not getting the knack of all of this, which upsets me. I want to be so great at this mommy thing, but honestly, I don't feel like I am. I am trying to learn though.

On a more positive note, I had my follow up obgyn appointment this week, and I am officially 17 pounds less then my last prenatal appointment, and I am 9 pounds less then my before pregnancy weight. I still need to lose a lot, but I feel pretty awesome that I've already lost that much and I haven't even started dieting or working out. And she didn't help all that much, since she was a tiny little thing =)

Tomorrow we have another pediatrician appointment for her, which is not going to be fun...time for shots. yuck =(

Anyway, that is all.

Friday, November 4, 2011


I am a bit delirious still from lack of sleep, but I felt the need to tell you all about the newest change in my life.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my dr. and her estimate was 2 weeks left for miss Ava to get here. Well, she quickly changed that answer to "sometime in the next 48 hours" when she checked me. I went home and had small contractions for a while, so I packed up bags and waited for Chad to get home; I knew he would rather take me there to be safe so I wanted to have everything I needed with me.

Honestly? I started having a lot of doubts in my abilities while I sat at home, waiting for all of this to happen. All I could think was that I was going to be a mom very soon, and there was so much that I hadn't done yet, that I should have I started having that terrible mom syndrome. I guess pregnancy makes me extra over emotional? Anyway...

We checked in the emergency room, and they sent me over to the maternity ward, to be checked and...they decided to keep me! Needless to say it took so long to get to where I needed to be to have her. I was pretty good to go once they got that epidural in my system though; I thought I wasn't going to be able to handle it, but my contractions were so bad that I didn't even feel the needle! Such a plus!

Anyway, to spare all of the yucky details, Ava decided to get here at 2:31 am this morning(November 3rd) in all of her 5 pound 14 ounce glory. She is such a tiny little thing.

You know what's crazy though? Any doubt that I had about my abilities melted away as soon as I saw her. She's absolutely beautifully perfect in every way...such a mom thing to say right?

I couldn't have asked for a better man to have a baby with. Chad took such good care of me and constantly kept checking on me, and you know what? I think he fell harder in love with that little girl than he did with was awesome.

I'm going to go back to sitting here in the hospital, but I thought I'd share a bit of my past two days, since they are for sure going to affect the rest of my life.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Dream House

I hung out with my friend heather yesterday for the first time in FOR-E-VER and we watched "The Last Song"...sad movie, with terrible acting on Miley Cirus' part, but who can really pass up a Nicholas Sparks inspired sob fest? Not this girl. Anyway, I absolutely fell in love with this house in the movie, so it kind of sparked my interest.
So, I am in the process of planning my non-existent future dream home. =)
I have decided that no matter where we live, I realllyyy love plantation homes. Like "Gone With The Wind" style plantation homes.

Beautiful right?

And obviously, if you are lucky enough to have such an amazing house, you can also afford an amazing driveway leading up to such a great house. I found this picture that I thought was pretty but not quite right actually. I think maybe more of a Brother's Grim look for me would work, like with the really pretty old trees, completely making a cover over the road...Imagine this, I'm sure it would work better!!

And the last important thing on my list so far, is the one thing I really want/need in a house, and that is a library. I have also wanted a library like the one from beauty and the beast, but as long as it has plenty of shelves, and giant windown, with maybe one window seat thrown in for good measure, I will be living a dream! I think I would even make that my little sanctuary...throw in a piano and a bunch of comfy sitting chairs. And don't forget the giant sliding ladders.

Ok, that's enough silly dreaming for the day. I will save this list, since of course we're going to win the lottery. =)

Ha ha...have a good weekend!!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The makings of a future mommy

So I must say that this pregnancy thus far is a little bit crazy. Most likely though because it is my first go round. I think I'm doing pretty well with this whole experience though, and I feel like I'm learning so much, which is really cool. I love hearing ideas from other moms, because there is so much that you think you know about, and it just blows your mind when you find out about all of this other stuff. haha.

So far I haven't had any issues other than the norm, so I've been lucky. I have found out however, if I sneeze, I pretty much have to run to the bathroom so I won't pee myself, which can possibly end in embarrassment, seeing as I work at a job where I wait on people. lol

I have also learned that I am a freak and love for Chad to rub my stomach 24/7 because it makes me feel better. And here I thought I was going to hate the feeling of someone touching my stomach!

I have also learned that I am super greedy, and am kind of enjoying all of the attention you get for being pregnant. I know I know...pathetic, but mostly it's because people like to feed pregnant chicks, and I looooooveeeee food right now! lol

The only real stress I have had too much, is thinking about the baby shower. I have had so many people say they would help, but I'm still feeling a little bit like it's not going to come through. But hey, that's where I'm lucky. I have a wonderful guy who said he'll throw me one if it all doesn't work out. He's such a catch, huh? <3

Now that I am over the ever present morning sickness phase, I am feeling quite normal...or normal for an overweight person with extreme hunger, a tiny bladder, and a knack for being uncomfortable all the time.

Ahhh the joys of being a new mommy!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The past few days

So I have been feeling quite productive this week..well, in comparison to me the rest of my life I suppose. haha. We took a grocery run to winn dixie to stock up on things we can actually do for meals at home. We eat fast food so much, which not only makes me feel like a giant grease ball, but also is way more money that we could be saving. I've found actually, that I am having a hard time finding anything that doesn't look gross to me. I think working in a resturaunt makes it worse, but anytime I smell something that seems like it's soaked in grease and deep fried, it's a total turn off to my taste buds. I actually want to stock up on some grapes, strawberries, bananas, and pineapple which sounds ridiculously awesome right now! I'm upset that I didn't get some already..haha.

The past two nights we have eaten pretty yummy things for dinner, or at least I think so..and my tummy agrees! The night before last we had tortellini in spaghetti sauce with garlic bread. Last night I made shephard's pie, yes...I MADE IT which is a pretty big deal since I burn water. haha..there's a picture of the awesomeness lol

Today has been a pretty good day too I think. Chad has the ENTIRE weekend off with me! wooohoo! So today we cleaned the entire house. It smells so nice. haha.

Ok, that's enough from me today I think.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Newfound Pioneer Woman

So, after hearing my mom rave and rave continuously about this blog she follows, I decided to check it out. I'm sure everyone besides me has heard of her before now, but hey I'm a late bloomer. She calls herself the Pioneer woman, and has done countless interviews on the view and oprah and other things of that nature. I looked at her blog though, and she does countless features about recipes and her photography and just...she's actually pretty amazing.

I'm actually kind of envious of this woman. She's pretty amazing. haha.

I believe she's the type of mother that I wish I could be. They have a ranch/farm, and she's a stay at home mom. But everything she does involves activities with her kids, and all of her amazing photography sessions, and homeschooling, and house work and farm work weird as it sounds I believe I would have a blast doing something like that with my life. I would feel useful I think, unlike now.

I have become so wrapped up with getting sick from this freakin pregnancy, that I have totally shown a lack of appreciation for everything that Chad has done for me. He works 7 days a week, plus overtime to take care of me. He's told me that if I didn't go back to work he would take care of me and the baby. And what do I do? Lie around the house feeling sorry for myself and how I feel. How pathetic. And what do I do for him in return? I mean, I can't even cook...I'm a terrible housekeeper. I'm just...lazy I guess. I want to break out of this that I am. I want to be a great wife and housekeeper and mother ...I want to do things for him like he does for me. And I think what pisses me off the most is when anyone acts like they know anything about us or our lives. If they really did, I think they would know that he has taken care of me more than anyone else has, and I couldn't have asked for a better father for my child. I look forward to growing together and embarking on this journey that we're about to experience.

Friday, March 25, 2011

A Nosey Nose that Knows best...? I am crazy

I haven't felt like the luckiest person to ever get knocked up. I mean, I'm happy and all but I seem to be getting ever stupid symptom possible already and it freakin sucks! My synuses(sp?) are swollen shut and I cant breathe, and my nose runs all day every day and I keep coughing. And I'm getting morning sickness every freakin day. I can't wait to get fatter so all of this sucky part will go away! haha. I know, I'm a big complainer but I feel like I can't even go anywhere because I feel so nauseous all the time.

Anyway...I have my first doctor's appointment on april 5th unless I can find one sooner. I'm getting pretty excited though. I'm pretty sure that here soon they will (hopefully) be able to tell me the sex of the baby. =) and you know what that means? I can waste my night making registries for baby stuff, which is the most fun part of all this! haha.

I'm luckier than most I guess, in the sense that since I feel sick all the time, I really don't over eat or get cravings or anything, so hopefully I wont have a hard time losing weight afterwards- hopefully I won't get that huge. *crossing fingers* to go sleep some more. wooooooo

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A grape? really????

I'm starting to feel that tiny bit of doubt in the back of my mind for letting the "cat out of the bag" , so to speak. I'm happy, really I am, and everyone is acting all excited...which I must admit, the attention is kind of But I'm still not at that point where I know everything is ok, where I know exactly what's going on with my body or anything really. I'm still waiting to hear back so I can get a real checkup. I dunno...I'm just nervous I guess.

But since I'm a crazy person, I was looking up foods to eat and not eat, and it brought me to all these pages where it tells me what's going on at 9 weeks, which is how far along the doctor thinks I am. Apparently my baby no longer has a tail, which is a relief for most moms to hear I would think. haha. Also, the baby is about the size of a grape. A freakin grape! So I look like a cow, and I only have an extra grape inside of me??? How ridiculous is that? It really is amazing though. I just found out the other day, and I'm already taking all of this on pretty well I think. I'm even a little bit excited. Crazy huh?

I am way more tired that I usually am, but I think I still need to wake myself up early every day, or at least at the same time, because I don't want to sit around doing nothing all the time. I feel so unmotivated, and it sucks. I need to clean and do laundry and read(which I haven't done in a little while). I just feel blahhhh...but I guess it comes with the territory. I actually am trying to get a hold of "What to expect while expecting." I think I may look on amazon, and get it used. =)

Ok, enough crazy, ranting from the queen of moodswings.

Peace out homies?

Saturday, March 19, 2011


It's not exactly the best quality picture but, you get the gist.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

confusion and such

Ok, so first I must start by saying that I stumbled upon this picture, and I find it slightly hilarious. Does anyone remember that youtube video, "emo orange"? I think I might post that later.haha

Anyway, onto semi-important things?

I have some crazy things happening in my life, and lots of new opportunities becoming available. Which is so great. I am stuck with all this decision making, and I have no idea if I'm making good choices or not? I don't know if I should take a new awesome job with less pay and a further job, or keep the job I hate? or keep taking off weekends, or should I pick up more shifts because money is there? I dunno...I'm just so worn out. ugh.

Oh well.
Other disappointing news, Panera has discontinued their sundried tomato cream cheese, which is the most amazing thing ever. If you have never had it, go now and get some before they sell the last of it! Seriously, you will not regret it!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Sunday Funday

So unfortunately I'm not driving to tallahassee today (we didn't win powerball). lol.

Other new things that are good though, we got a bed on layaway and it's suuuper comfortable. I'm excited. =)

Another that I just found out today, is that I now have a few connections at cady and cady studio. Why is that good? Because I would love to work there!!!

Today really isn't all that incredibly interesting though. I have an enormous pile of laundry to sort through. Trash to take out and floors to mop. On the plus side though, I still have a can of tomato soup that I can make for lunch, which makes everything worthwhile.

Ok, enough of this boring post...I'm off to being semi-productive.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Listen to this playlist: mollieaunderwood's Playlist

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Hello World

Hello Fellow Bloggers or whatnot. Wow...I'm a terrible person to follow I think, since I go months at a time without posting anything at all. I guess I just feel like there are certain aspects of my life that I shouldn't bother other people with? I dunno. Maybe I'm just a better follower when it comes to this sort of thing. Oh well.

What's new with mollie? Hmmmm well I'm still working at the crack shack, which is just great. *dripping sarcasm*. Don't get me wrong, there are so many worse places that I could work. I'm just at the point that I honestly don't feel like I can take this branch of customer service anymore. I'm sick of waiting on rude non-tippers, parents that can't control their beastly children, and people who look down on me because of my profession. It's ridiculous. I think what upsets me the most, is that I'm good at my job. Of all the things to be skilled at, it's the most unimportant thing I can imagine...and it sucks. I just feel like if I had any potential to be anything great, it has continuously faded the longer I have stuck with the resturaunt business. I just want something more...I want a break. I think I would rather work for minimum wage for a while, than stick with this. It's become so severe that I find myself lashing out for no reason. Hah...maybe I'm just crazy? I wouldn't doubt it.

While I'm on this negative path, I also would like to take this time to say that I hate where we live. It's awesome to be in jacksonville because of the convenience, but our apartment managers are rude. I just, I don't know really...I think I'm just becoming one of those people that needs to pack up and move every couple of months(which is crazy since I hate moving). I guess another thing that upsets me, is that this place was supposed to be a new start for me. I wanted to change my bad messy habits. I wanted to be the cute little housewife who cooks and cleans and has everything looking wonderful. I think I failed in about a week.

On another note, I feel myself pulling away from almost anyone. I'm just so tired of the judgemental attitudes of family or "friends" or anyone. I'm just tired. I just want to go into hiding for a year or two. Who knows, if I do maybe I'll be one of those crazy people who finds some kind of artistic awakening. lol

Ok, so I know that I just ranted a bunch of psychopathic babble for all of this, but hey...maybe I will get back into writing more often and make a little more sense with things. Yes? okkkk....