Tuesday, July 24, 2012
I feel like I'm in a cycle of this nothingness that I do every day. I'm stuck at the house all day with Ava, which is great to be with her, but instead of using my time for constructive purposes, I sit around and do nothing. So do something about it! Right? I guess...I just feel like I'm in a fat, lazy rut. I don't want to miss out on any opportunities with her, but I need a hobby. I need someone to talk to. I also am thinking about what will happen when she goes off to school in a couple of years. Then what will I do? Obviously I will get a job(probably before then) but I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a freaking server; even if it is good money. I find myself jealous of my graduating class, who all have degrees and are starting real jobs. I shake my head at my stupidity of dropping out. I know most of them don't have kids, but there is no reason for me to still be clueless about what I want to be or do with my life. I feel pathetic. Gahhh. Ok, enough of my venting session for tonight I think.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
This year for me has gone by so quickly. Seriously. I feel like I've tried so hard to make things happen, and to push them along that I've missed out on thing, and that's crazy since I stay at home every day with my daughter. It makes me sad though that I'm already coming up on her first birthday, because I already miss what's not here anymore. I miss her wanting to snuggle on the couch with me all the time. I miss just holding her for hours watching her sleep. With that being said though, I am so enthralled with the little person she is turning into. There is nothing quite like walking into a room and seeing her face just light up completely when she notices you; like no one else in the world means more to her than you. I need that so much. I need to feel like I"m needed, and if I depend on my daughter for that satisfaction, than sue me. I feel like I"m striving almost for her to grow up so I can have a best friend again. I want someone to actually talk to or to hang out with. I just start feeling kind of lonely here sometimes. I just feel like everyone that used to be a part of my life has just dropped off the face of the earth now that I have a kid, and now is the time that I need people the most. I need to be able to converse with adults now and then, not just babble to an 8 month old like it's my native tongue. I don't want to go back to work though because I know that I would very much regret missing all of the changes she's going through as she gets older. Maybe when she starts school in a few years? I'm not sure. I might go get a job with Chad. lol. I have also been thinking about things that I want to do for Ava. One is that I want her to love reading as much as I have. So I really want to start buying books to make a little collection for her, and I think I will start reading to her every day starting pretty soon. I'm thinking I want to start off with Madeline because I loved those when I was little =)
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
I'm not sure why this is on my mind so much lately, but it is. I think a lot about my situation. By that, I of course mean motherhood. I think of how I felt when I found out about this little thing growing inside of me. I think of how I felt the first time I told anyone. The first time I felt her move. The first scary thought I had or worry. Then I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on her. She was absolutely beautiful, and she was all mine. I think about how I never in a million years wanted to be a mother. Not to sound terrible, I just never thought I was the type. I wasn't one of "those girls" who dreamed of babies since puberty. But it did happen to me. And now, she's all I ever think about. How can someone become so important to you, without even having to try? I really couldn't comprehend it until I had Ava, but the motherly instinct is so real; so overwhelming. I think about how much I love spending every moment I have with her, how amazing it is to see how much she changes each and every day. It's incredible. But what happens next? What happens when she outgrows me? It will happen. She will have friends, and need her space...and I will be left in the lurch. It's official. I have become the crazy needy mom, and my daughter isn't even anywhere near old enough to comprehend her mother's insanity. Poor baby doesn't even know what's coming for her. lol. Man I need to start hanging out with adults again! lol. Is it too much to ask to be someone she will actually want to hang out with? Yes, I am striving to be the "cool mom"...good luck with that, right?
Ok, psychotic episode over.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
I might have an obsession with taking pictures of this girl,but come on! She's adorable =)
So, I have realized that I'm not quite as crafty as I would like to believe. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's realized this about myself. lol. Oh well. I think it would be cool to take some martha stewart lessons.
I am in a super scrap-booking kind of mood her lately. I think I want to have a party for all of the nerdy people like me =)
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Man Oh Man, this girl is getting so big so fast. It's a little surreal. She's rolling over now(sometimes)...mostly when she's in the mood because, well, she's very moody. Just like a woman, I guess. haha. I can't imagine doing anything else with my days though. I love it more and more every day I get to experience all of this. I have decided also that we are going to be very "gilmore". We're going to be best friends and what-not. Hopefully that'll work, right? =)
I feel like I am full of excuses lately. I am at one of those dark points, where I don't just feel slightly overweight; I feel disgusting. It had to come to that point eventually, but I didn't know it would hit so hard. It just sucks...a lot. It was so easy to brush it under the rug when I was pregnant, and even when I first came home, because there wasn't much I could do about it. Now I know that I have to chalk it up to pure laziness, and it makes me feel even worse. I feel like I'm always going to be unhappy with myself, because I feel like it's not going away. And the worst part is I can do something about it...I just don't. I get so sidetracked at home taking care of her...it's horrible. Ughhh. I am thinking about trying to find a new routine of eating and such, at least while I'm home during the day. Hopefully it'll help with all this.
Ok, so on to more positive things. I found a chart through pinterest. I will admit it proudly that I am an addict, to say the least. Anyway, it's supposed to help me breakdown cleaning and daily tasks, so maybe I can get my house the way it should be, and keep it that way. Wish me luck!!
And now, some more pictures of my beautiful girl. =)