Tuesday, July 24, 2012
I feel like I'm in a cycle of this nothingness that I do every day. I'm stuck at the house all day with Ava, which is great to be with her, but instead of using my time for constructive purposes, I sit around and do nothing. So do something about it! Right? I guess...I just feel like I'm in a fat, lazy rut. I don't want to miss out on any opportunities with her, but I need a hobby. I need someone to talk to. I also am thinking about what will happen when she goes off to school in a couple of years. Then what will I do? Obviously I will get a job(probably before then) but I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a freaking server; even if it is good money. I find myself jealous of my graduating class, who all have degrees and are starting real jobs. I shake my head at my stupidity of dropping out. I know most of them don't have kids, but there is no reason for me to still be clueless about what I want to be or do with my life. I feel pathetic. Gahhh. Ok, enough of my venting session for tonight I think.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
This year for me has gone by so quickly. Seriously. I feel like I've tried so hard to make things happen, and to push them along that I've missed out on thing, and that's crazy since I stay at home every day with my daughter. It makes me sad though that I'm already coming up on her first birthday, because I already miss what's not here anymore. I miss her wanting to snuggle on the couch with me all the time. I miss just holding her for hours watching her sleep. With that being said though, I am so enthralled with the little person she is turning into. There is nothing quite like walking into a room and seeing her face just light up completely when she notices you; like no one else in the world means more to her than you. I need that so much. I need to feel like I"m needed, and if I depend on my daughter for that satisfaction, than sue me. I feel like I"m striving almost for her to grow up so I can have a best friend again. I want someone to actually talk to or to hang out with. I just start feeling kind of lonely here sometimes. I just feel like everyone that used to be a part of my life has just dropped off the face of the earth now that I have a kid, and now is the time that I need people the most. I need to be able to converse with adults now and then, not just babble to an 8 month old like it's my native tongue. I don't want to go back to work though because I know that I would very much regret missing all of the changes she's going through as she gets older. Maybe when she starts school in a few years? I'm not sure. I might go get a job with Chad. lol. I have also been thinking about things that I want to do for Ava. One is that I want her to love reading as much as I have. So I really want to start buying books to make a little collection for her, and I think I will start reading to her every day starting pretty soon. I'm thinking I want to start off with Madeline because I loved those when I was little =)