Thursday, December 29, 2011

Perception of Beauty

You know, I am a very negative person when it comes to my outlook on myself; always have been. It is not to look for pity from others. It is not to "fish for compliments". It is just a fact. I am not sure why I can't seem to find confidence in myself. I do not understand why I am always so negative, when I have a wonderful guy who loves me, and a beautiful little girl who came from me. A part of me has to be attractive in some way to create someone so perfect. I am trying not to perceive myself so negatively though. I'm trying to pick out the things in myself that I can actually consider to be attractive.

If I can be honest though, I do have a lot of work to do for myself. Not to achieve the beauty that is perceived by the masses, but to feel pretty for me. It's not enough to be reassured by the people around you that you "look fine". I want to be able to see it through my own eyes. It might sound crazy but I want to actually feel pretty. I want to not be doubtful, because I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

To do this, yes, I need to lose quite a bit of weight, actually. Having a baby is no excuse to let your body become what mine has. I am embarrased. As if stretch marks weren't enough, I have about 80-100 pounds that should not be there based on my height. That's not based on anorexic standards, that's based on a healthy lifestyle. I am ashamed that I have let myself become like this because of my pure laziness.

I also need to find motivation within myself because I know that I will never feel attractive unless I start trying. I have already taken on the role as "house wife". Not cute, stepfordy, but frumpy, married 40 years kind. I want motivation to get up in the morning and put effort into the way I look. I know I need to do this because if I don't feel attractive, I know I must not look it either.

Anyway, that's a lot to throw out there but I figured maybe if I wrote it all down I could remind myself of these goals that I need to actually keep.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011


So here lately we have been thinking a lot and have been trying to work on plans for the not so near future; like in the next 5 years. Ava will be old enough to start school by then, and to be honest, I do not want her going to school here on the northside, which is too quickly becoming more and more dangerous. So we have decided to send her to one in nassau; callahan to be specific. The only issue with that, is we have to have a callahan address in order to do so, so we were thinking about building a of these actually:

Pretty nice, right? and by then we should have everything established to be able to do so, and Chad will be moving up even more at JEA, so...yah. Pretty exciting stuff I think.

I have also decided that I want to go back and get my Associate's degree so I can get a job up there as well. Obviously not doing the same kind of work though. lol.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Almost a month


Yes, we're smiling noticeably now. =)

I am starting back working a couple of nights a week starting this week coming up. My trial run was tuesday and I admit, I was kind of nervous. It may not seem like a lot, but a month is a long time to be out of work, for someone who is used to being a crazy workaholic; stealing everyone's shifts away. haha. It will probably only be 2-3 shifts a week though, nothing crazy. I don't have time for anything too drastic, since I have this new full-time mommy thing going on, and I refuse to pay 200 a week for a sitter. So I'm Going to only work nights/weekends when Chad is home to watch her. Which works out. I'm actually ok with only a few shifts though. It is crazy that tuesday night I was literally only at work for 3 1/2 hours and I was having Ava withdrawals something fierce! Not to mention, I would actually like to have time off with Chad every once in a while, and if I did something crazy like work 40 hours a week, that would never happen. Heck, I might not even keep working if it's that crazy. We shall see I guess.

I have to say that it amazes me how much she has changed in these few short weeks that she has been here. It's so awesome. Her little smiles, her constant cooing, how she is already trying to scoot herself across the floor, and hold her head up. And I look at all of her hospital pics and already she looks like a totally different baby to me, and she's not even a month old yet! I am so thankful for the fact that I am here pretty much all day, every day with her, so I can have that much needed bonding experience. Yes, I am infatuated, as is her daddy...I think he may already be wrapped =)

Anyhoo...that's the biz.