Perception of Beauty

Source: sadanduseless.com via Katie-Byrd on Pinterest

You know, I am a very negative person when it comes to my outlook on myself; always have been. It is not to look for pity from others. It is not to "fish for compliments". It is just a fact. I am not sure why I can't seem to find confidence in myself. I do not understand why I am always so negative, when I have a wonderful guy who loves me, and a beautiful little girl who came from me. A part of me has to be attractive in some way to create someone so perfect. I am trying not to perceive myself so negatively though. I'm trying to pick out the things in myself that I can actually consider to be attractive.

If I can be honest though, I do have a lot of work to do for myself. Not to achieve the beauty that is perceived by the masses, but to feel pretty for me. It's not enough to be reassured by the people around you that you "look fine". I want to be able to see it through my own eyes. It might sound crazy but I want to actually feel pretty. I want to not be doubtful, because I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

To do this, yes, I need to lose quite a bit of weight, actually. Having a baby is no excuse to let your body become what mine has. I am embarrased. As if stretch marks weren't enough, I have about 80-100 pounds that should not be there based on my height. That's not based on anorexic standards, that's based on a healthy lifestyle. I am ashamed that I have let myself become like this because of my pure laziness.

I also need to find motivation within myself because I know that I will never feel attractive unless I start trying. I have already taken on the role as "house wife". Not cute, stepfordy, but frumpy, married 40 years kind. I want motivation to get up in the morning and put effort into the way I look. I know I need to do this because if I don't feel attractive, I know I must not look it either.

Anyway, that's a lot to throw out there but I figured maybe if I wrote it all down I could remind myself of these goals that I need to actually keep.

Planning

So here lately we have been thinking a lot and have been trying to work on plans for the not so near future; like in the next 5 years. Ava will be old enough to start school by then, and to be honest, I do not want her going to school here on the northside, which is too quickly becoming more and more dangerous. So we have decided to send her to one in nassau; callahan to be specific. The only issue with that, is we have to have a callahan address in order to do so, so we were thinking about building a house...one of these actually:





Pretty nice, right? and by then we should have everything established to be able to do so, and Chad will be moving up even more at JEA, so...yah. Pretty exciting stuff I think.

I have also decided that I want to go back and get my Associate's degree so I can get a job up there as well. Obviously not doing the same kind of work though. lol.

Almost a month

Yes, we're smiling noticeably now. =)

I am starting back working a couple of nights a week starting this week coming up. My trial run was tuesday and I admit, I was kind of nervous. It may not seem like a lot, but a month is a long time to be out of work, for someone who is used to being a crazy workaholic; stealing everyone's shifts away. haha. It will probably only be 2-3 shifts a week though, nothing crazy. I don't have time for anything too drastic, since I have this new full-time mommy thing going on, and I refuse to pay 200 a week for a sitter. So I'm Going to only work nights/weekends when Chad is home to watch her. Which works out. I'm actually ok with only a few shifts though. It is crazy that tuesday night I was literally only at work for 3 1/2 hours and I was having Ava withdrawals something fierce! Not to mention, I would actually like to have time off with Chad every once in a while, and if I did something crazy like work 40 hours a week, that would never happen. Heck, I might not even keep working if it's that crazy. We shall see I guess.

I have to say that it amazes me how much she has changed in these few short weeks that she has been here. It's so awesome. Her little smiles, her constant cooing, how she is already trying to scoot herself across the floor, and hold her head up. And I look at all of her hospital pics and already she looks like a totally different baby to me, and she's not even a month old yet! I am so thankful for the fact that I am here pretty much all day, every day with her, so I can have that much needed bonding experience. Yes, I am infatuated, as is her daddy...I think he may already be wrapped =)

Anyhoo...that's the biz.

November 17th

Today was my actual due date so I figured it was as good a day as any for an Ava update. I am quickly learning what it means to go on little to no sleep, and I won't deny, it's hard. She sleeps all day every day, and wants to be awake all night long. I'm pooped, seriously. What makes it worse, is I feel like I waste my day away taking naps and such...my house is still in utter chaos from when we moved, which bothers me. ughhh.

I just...I feel like I'm still not getting the knack of all of this, which upsets me. I want to be so great at this mommy thing, but honestly, I don't feel like I am. I am trying to learn though.

On a more positive note, I had my follow up obgyn appointment this week, and I am officially 17 pounds less then my last prenatal appointment, and I am 9 pounds less then my before pregnancy weight. I still need to lose a lot, but I feel pretty awesome that I've already lost that much and I haven't even started dieting or working out. And she didn't help all that much, since she was a tiny little thing =)

Tomorrow we have another pediatrician appointment for her, which is not going to be fun...time for shots. yuck =(

Anyway, that is all.

Ava

I am a bit delirious still from lack of sleep, but I felt the need to tell you all about the newest change in my life.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my dr. and her estimate was 2 weeks left for miss Ava to get here. Well, she quickly changed that answer to "sometime in the next 48 hours" when she checked me. I went home and had small contractions for a while, so I packed up bags and waited for Chad to get home; I knew he would rather take me there to be safe so I wanted to have everything I needed with me.

Honestly? I started having a lot of doubts in my abilities while I sat at home, waiting for all of this to happen. All I could think was that I was going to be a mom very soon, and there was so much that I hadn't done yet, that I should have already...so I started having that terrible mom syndrome. I guess pregnancy makes me extra over emotional? Anyway...

We checked in the emergency room, and they sent me over to the maternity ward, to be checked and...they decided to keep me! Needless to say it took so long to get to where I needed to be to have her. I was pretty good to go once they got that epidural in my system though; I thought I wasn't going to be able to handle it, but my contractions were so bad that I didn't even feel the needle! Such a plus!

Anyway, to spare all of the yucky details, Ava decided to get here at 2:31 am this morning(November 3rd) in all of her 5 pound 14 ounce glory. She is such a tiny little thing.

You know what's crazy though? Any doubt that I had about my abilities melted away as soon as I saw her. She's absolutely beautifully perfect in every way...such a mom thing to say right?

I couldn't have asked for a better man to have a baby with. Chad took such good care of me and constantly kept checking on me, and you know what? I think he fell harder in love with that little girl than he did with me...it was awesome.

I'm going to go back to sitting here in the hospital, but I thought I'd share a bit of my past two days, since they are for sure going to affect the rest of my life.

Dream House

I hung out with my friend heather yesterday for the first time in FOR-E-VER and we watched "The Last Song"...sad movie, with terrible acting on Miley Cirus' part, but who can really pass up a Nicholas Sparks inspired sob fest? Not this girl. Anyway, I absolutely fell in love with this house in the movie, so it kind of sparked my interest.
So, I am in the process of planning my non-existent future dream home. =)
I have decided that no matter where we live, I realllyyy love plantation homes. Like "Gone With The Wind" style plantation homes.






Beautiful right?





And obviously, if you are lucky enough to have such an amazing house, you can also afford an amazing driveway leading up to such a great house. I found this picture that I thought was pretty but not quite right actually. I think maybe more of a Brother's Grim look for me would work, like with the really pretty old trees, completely making a cover over the road...Imagine this, I'm sure it would work better!!


And the last important thing on my list so far, is the one thing I really want/need in a house, and that is a library. I have also wanted a library like the one from beauty and the beast, but as long as it has plenty of shelves, and giant windown, with maybe one window seat thrown in for good measure, I will be living a dream! I think I would even make that my little sanctuary...throw in a piano and a bunch of comfy sitting chairs. And don't forget the giant sliding ladders.

Ok, that's enough silly dreaming for the day. I will save this list, since of course we're going to win the lottery. =)

Ha ha...have a good weekend!!

The makings of a future mommy

So I must say that this pregnancy thus far is a little bit crazy. Most likely though because it is my first go round. I think I'm doing pretty well with this whole experience though, and I feel like I'm learning so much, which is really cool. I love hearing ideas from other moms, because there is so much that you think you know about, and it just blows your mind when you find out about all of this other stuff. haha.

So far I haven't had any issues other than the norm, so I've been lucky. I have found out however, if I sneeze, I pretty much have to run to the bathroom so I won't pee myself, which can possibly end in embarrassment, seeing as I work at a job where I wait on people. lol

I have also learned that I am a freak and love for Chad to rub my stomach 24/7 because it makes me feel better. And here I thought I was going to hate the feeling of someone touching my stomach!

I have also learned that I am super greedy, and am kind of enjoying all of the attention you get for being pregnant. I know I know...pathetic, but mostly it's because people like to feed pregnant chicks, and I looooooveeeee food right now! lol

The only real stress I have had too much, is thinking about the baby shower. I have had so many people say they would help, but I'm still feeling a little bit like it's not going to come through. But hey, that's where I'm lucky. I have a wonderful guy who said he'll throw me one if it all doesn't work out. He's such a catch, huh? <3

Now that I am over the ever present morning sickness phase, I am feeling quite normal...or normal for an overweight person with extreme hunger, a tiny bladder, and a knack for being uncomfortable all the time.

Ahhh the joys of being a new mommy!