Spring Cleaning Time

Man, I love her little smile so much!!

So I have been thinking a lot lately about our living situation, and things that I want to change. It's constantly on my mind, being home all the time. First of all, I will admit that I am not the best housekeeper in the world. I am trying to get better at it, but honestly, I guess I'm a little lazy. I have decided though, that here in the next couple of weeks, I want to do a dollar store/big lots/wal mart/whatever cheap place there is, to get a bunch of organizational tools. I want some more of those plastic drawered bins, a couple of plastic tubs, maybe some closet organizer stuff, some under the counter bathroom organizers, and some pots and pans organizers for the kitchen. I also want a humungous thing of cleaning products because I am sooo running low!

I figure, if I get some of those plastic tubs, I can easily stuff all of my extra pillows and blankets into one and save a bunch of room in my closet, or in the shed. Either one would be great. We have a kind of small place, but I really do like it. I just need to work on making the most of our space, and try to not let it look quite so cluttered. It's going to definately be a work in progress. Wish me luck!!

Dear Ava

Dear Sweet Ava,

I feel like a very weird person writing this to you. Even though other parent's do this, it just seems a little out of the ordinary; though I know I will be glad for things like this.

You have grown so much in these two and half months, although you still look so tiny to me. At a whopping 9 pounds 1 oz, you are starting to look like a normal sized "newborn baby" although you are a little passed that age wise. You are growing so quickly, not just in size but in your personality as well; you have the biggest personality! I can already tell how stubborn and determined you will be just be seeing you try your hardest to roll over, or to hold your head up, or to fight sleep like crazy even when you're exhausted. Your little smile is so contageous, it really is. I love watching your entire face light up when you look at me, which is a look that no one else will ever be able to mimick. You get so tickled when I talk or sing to you that you're almost laughing out loud now. It's so awesome. And I have to talk about when you're mad or upset. Oh my gosh you are such a girl! You have your normal upset hungry cry...but you also have your "i'm pissed off cry", and trust me I know the difference! I never thought that a baby could act like that; its funny.

I am so thankful to be able to stay home with you as much as I do. I'm so glad because I don't want to miss out on anything you do. I love watching you grow and learn. Who would have ever thought that being a mom would feel this great? And I am so glad that your dad is a part of my life and loves you like he does. A lot of people don't get to have that, for which I am thankful I do.

I love you little girl

Perception of Beauty

Source: sadanduseless.com via Katie-Byrd on Pinterest

You know, I am a very negative person when it comes to my outlook on myself; always have been. It is not to look for pity from others. It is not to "fish for compliments". It is just a fact. I am not sure why I can't seem to find confidence in myself. I do not understand why I am always so negative, when I have a wonderful guy who loves me, and a beautiful little girl who came from me. A part of me has to be attractive in some way to create someone so perfect. I am trying not to perceive myself so negatively though. I'm trying to pick out the things in myself that I can actually consider to be attractive.

If I can be honest though, I do have a lot of work to do for myself. Not to achieve the beauty that is perceived by the masses, but to feel pretty for me. It's not enough to be reassured by the people around you that you "look fine". I want to be able to see it through my own eyes. It might sound crazy but I want to actually feel pretty. I want to not be doubtful, because I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

To do this, yes, I need to lose quite a bit of weight, actually. Having a baby is no excuse to let your body become what mine has. I am embarrased. As if stretch marks weren't enough, I have about 80-100 pounds that should not be there based on my height. That's not based on anorexic standards, that's based on a healthy lifestyle. I am ashamed that I have let myself become like this because of my pure laziness.

I also need to find motivation within myself because I know that I will never feel attractive unless I start trying. I have already taken on the role as "house wife". Not cute, stepfordy, but frumpy, married 40 years kind. I want motivation to get up in the morning and put effort into the way I look. I know I need to do this because if I don't feel attractive, I know I must not look it either.

Anyway, that's a lot to throw out there but I figured maybe if I wrote it all down I could remind myself of these goals that I need to actually keep.

Planning

So here lately we have been thinking a lot and have been trying to work on plans for the not so near future; like in the next 5 years. Ava will be old enough to start school by then, and to be honest, I do not want her going to school here on the northside, which is too quickly becoming more and more dangerous. So we have decided to send her to one in nassau; callahan to be specific. The only issue with that, is we have to have a callahan address in order to do so, so we were thinking about building a house...one of these actually:





Pretty nice, right? and by then we should have everything established to be able to do so, and Chad will be moving up even more at JEA, so...yah. Pretty exciting stuff I think.

I have also decided that I want to go back and get my Associate's degree so I can get a job up there as well. Obviously not doing the same kind of work though. lol.

Almost a month

Yes, we're smiling noticeably now. =)

I am starting back working a couple of nights a week starting this week coming up. My trial run was tuesday and I admit, I was kind of nervous. It may not seem like a lot, but a month is a long time to be out of work, for someone who is used to being a crazy workaholic; stealing everyone's shifts away. haha. It will probably only be 2-3 shifts a week though, nothing crazy. I don't have time for anything too drastic, since I have this new full-time mommy thing going on, and I refuse to pay 200 a week for a sitter. So I'm Going to only work nights/weekends when Chad is home to watch her. Which works out. I'm actually ok with only a few shifts though. It is crazy that tuesday night I was literally only at work for 3 1/2 hours and I was having Ava withdrawals something fierce! Not to mention, I would actually like to have time off with Chad every once in a while, and if I did something crazy like work 40 hours a week, that would never happen. Heck, I might not even keep working if it's that crazy. We shall see I guess.

I have to say that it amazes me how much she has changed in these few short weeks that she has been here. It's so awesome. Her little smiles, her constant cooing, how she is already trying to scoot herself across the floor, and hold her head up. And I look at all of her hospital pics and already she looks like a totally different baby to me, and she's not even a month old yet! I am so thankful for the fact that I am here pretty much all day, every day with her, so I can have that much needed bonding experience. Yes, I am infatuated, as is her daddy...I think he may already be wrapped =)

Anyhoo...that's the biz.

November 17th

Today was my actual due date so I figured it was as good a day as any for an Ava update. I am quickly learning what it means to go on little to no sleep, and I won't deny, it's hard. She sleeps all day every day, and wants to be awake all night long. I'm pooped, seriously. What makes it worse, is I feel like I waste my day away taking naps and such...my house is still in utter chaos from when we moved, which bothers me. ughhh.

I just...I feel like I'm still not getting the knack of all of this, which upsets me. I want to be so great at this mommy thing, but honestly, I don't feel like I am. I am trying to learn though.

On a more positive note, I had my follow up obgyn appointment this week, and I am officially 17 pounds less then my last prenatal appointment, and I am 9 pounds less then my before pregnancy weight. I still need to lose a lot, but I feel pretty awesome that I've already lost that much and I haven't even started dieting or working out. And she didn't help all that much, since she was a tiny little thing =)

Tomorrow we have another pediatrician appointment for her, which is not going to be fun...time for shots. yuck =(

Anyway, that is all.

Ava

I am a bit delirious still from lack of sleep, but I felt the need to tell you all about the newest change in my life.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my dr. and her estimate was 2 weeks left for miss Ava to get here. Well, she quickly changed that answer to "sometime in the next 48 hours" when she checked me. I went home and had small contractions for a while, so I packed up bags and waited for Chad to get home; I knew he would rather take me there to be safe so I wanted to have everything I needed with me.

Honestly? I started having a lot of doubts in my abilities while I sat at home, waiting for all of this to happen. All I could think was that I was going to be a mom very soon, and there was so much that I hadn't done yet, that I should have already...so I started having that terrible mom syndrome. I guess pregnancy makes me extra over emotional? Anyway...

We checked in the emergency room, and they sent me over to the maternity ward, to be checked and...they decided to keep me! Needless to say it took so long to get to where I needed to be to have her. I was pretty good to go once they got that epidural in my system though; I thought I wasn't going to be able to handle it, but my contractions were so bad that I didn't even feel the needle! Such a plus!

Anyway, to spare all of the yucky details, Ava decided to get here at 2:31 am this morning(November 3rd) in all of her 5 pound 14 ounce glory. She is such a tiny little thing.

You know what's crazy though? Any doubt that I had about my abilities melted away as soon as I saw her. She's absolutely beautifully perfect in every way...such a mom thing to say right?

I couldn't have asked for a better man to have a baby with. Chad took such good care of me and constantly kept checking on me, and you know what? I think he fell harder in love with that little girl than he did with me...it was awesome.

I'm going to go back to sitting here in the hospital, but I thought I'd share a bit of my past two days, since they are for sure going to affect the rest of my life.