My daughter has quite the little personality now. Seriously, I just watch her sometimes, and she cracks me up. It makes me a little sad though, because she has started growing to quickly. And if she changed this much so far, I know it will all keep going at that speed. I don't want to forget any of her little quirks, so I thought I would jot a few of them down for reminders later down the road. 1. A little of the crude nature, but babies like to take their diapers off, or try to grab at them when you change them. Whenever she would do that, I would say "Eww that's nasty Ava!" to get her to stop. So now she actually says "Eww sassy" to me whenever she's got a full diaper. So funny. 2. Just like every other little kid around, she has discovered phones. She used to just push buttons, but now she actually picks up my phone and says "Owoo?" which I guess is her version of hello. lol 3. We are learning animal noises, but the only one she will repeat is "doggy, arf arf". She is obsessed with them...I think that's a sign she wants a puppy. 4. She is obsessed with the few body parts that she knows so far. Which means "does" and "bee bee bee" which is toes, and belly(belly belly). At first I thought she understood somehow that mommy has a baby in her tummy because that's really what it sounded like she was saying. Oh well. It's still cute. I'm sure there are more that I am forgetting but for now, I just wanted to share those few. <3

Change of Venue

I feel like I'm in a cycle of this nothingness that I do every day. I'm stuck at the house all day with Ava, which is great to be with her, but instead of using my time for constructive purposes, I sit around and do nothing. So do something about it! Right? I guess...I just feel like I'm in a fat, lazy rut. I don't want to miss out on any opportunities with her, but I need a hobby. I need someone to talk to. I also am thinking about what will happen when she goes off to school in a couple of years. Then what will I do? Obviously I will get a job(probably before then) but I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a freaking server; even if it is good money. I find myself jealous of my graduating class, who all have degrees and are starting real jobs. I shake my head at my stupidity of dropping out. I know most of them don't have kids, but there is no reason for me to still be clueless about what I want to be or do with my life. I feel pathetic. Gahhh. Ok, enough of my venting session for tonight I think.

8 months

This year for me has gone by so quickly. Seriously. I feel like I've tried so hard to make things happen, and to push them along that I've missed out on thing, and that's crazy since I stay at home every day with my daughter. It makes me sad though that I'm already coming up on her first birthday, because I already miss what's not here anymore. I miss her wanting to snuggle on the couch with me all the time. I miss just holding her for hours watching her sleep. With that being said though, I am so enthralled with the little person she is turning into. There is nothing quite like walking into a room and seeing her face just light up completely when she notices you; like no one else in the world means more to her than you. I need that so much. I need to feel like I"m needed, and if I depend on my daughter for that satisfaction, than sue me. I feel like I"m striving almost for her to grow up so I can have a best friend again. I want someone to actually talk to or to hang out with. I just start feeling kind of lonely here sometimes. I just feel like everyone that used to be a part of my life has just dropped off the face of the earth now that I have a kid, and now is the time that I need people the most. I need to be able to converse with adults now and then, not just babble to an 8 month old like it's my native tongue. I don't want to go back to work though because I know that I would very much regret missing all of the changes she's going through as she gets older. Maybe when she starts school in a few years? I'm not sure. I might go get a job with Chad. lol. I have also been thinking about things that I want to do for Ava. One is that I want her to love reading as much as I have. So I really want to start buying books to make a little collection for her, and I think I will start reading to her every day starting pretty soon. I'm thinking I want to start off with Madeline because I loved those when I was little =)

BowSweet Spring Sweepstakes

So, for anyone who has little ones, or just loves fun hair accessories, bowsweet is having another huge giveaway! Check it out http://bowsweet.blogspot.com/2012/05/huge-spring-sweepstakes.html

Cool mom

I'm not sure why this is on my mind so much lately, but it is. I think a lot about my situation. By that, I of course mean motherhood. I think of how I felt when I found out about this little thing growing inside of me. I think of how I felt the first time I told anyone. The first time I felt her move. The first scary thought I had or worry. Then I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on her. She was absolutely beautiful, and she was all mine. I think about how I never in a million years wanted to be a mother. Not to sound terrible, I just never thought I was the type. I wasn't one of "those girls" who dreamed of babies since puberty. But it did happen to me. And now, she's all I ever think about. How can someone become so important to you, without even having to try? I really couldn't comprehend it until I had Ava, but the motherly instinct is so real; so overwhelming. I think about how much I love spending every moment I have with her, how amazing it is to see how much she changes each and every day. It's incredible. But what happens next? What happens when she outgrows me? It will happen. She will have friends, and need her space...and I will be left in the lurch. It's official. I have become the crazy needy mom, and my daughter isn't even anywhere near old enough to comprehend her mother's insanity. Poor baby doesn't even know what's coming for her. lol. Man I need to start hanging out with adults again! lol. Is it too much to ask to be someone she will actually want to hang out with? Yes, I am striving to be the "cool mom"...good luck with that, right?

Ok, psychotic episode over.

Nerd

I might have an obsession with taking pictures of this girl,but come on! She's adorable =)

So, I have realized that I'm not quite as crafty as I would like to believe. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's realized this about myself. lol. Oh well. I think it would be cool to take some martha stewart lessons.

I am in a super scrap-booking kind of mood her lately. I think I want to have a party for all of the nerdy people like me =)

Stay at Home

Man Oh Man, this girl is getting so big so fast. It's a little surreal. She's rolling over now(sometimes)...mostly when she's in the mood because, well, she's very moody. Just like a woman, I guess. haha. I can't imagine doing anything else with my days though. I love it more and more every day I get to experience all of this. I have decided also that we are going to be very "gilmore". We're going to be best friends and what-not. Hopefully that'll work, right? =)


I feel like I am full of excuses lately. I am at one of those dark points, where I don't just feel slightly overweight; I feel disgusting. It had to come to that point eventually, but I didn't know it would hit so hard. It just sucks...a lot. It was so easy to brush it under the rug when I was pregnant, and even when I first came home, because there wasn't much I could do about it. Now I know that I have to chalk it up to pure laziness, and it makes me feel even worse. I feel like I'm always going to be unhappy with myself, because I feel like it's not going away. And the worst part is I can do something about it...I just don't. I get so sidetracked at home taking care of her...it's horrible. Ughhh. I am thinking about trying to find a new routine of eating and such, at least while I'm home during the day. Hopefully it'll help with all this.

Ok, so on to more positive things. I found a chart through pinterest. I will admit it proudly that I am an addict, to say the least. Anyway, it's supposed to help me breakdown cleaning and daily tasks, so maybe I can get my house the way it should be, and keep it that way. Wish me luck!!

And now, some more pictures of my beautiful girl. =)

Spring Cleaning Time

Man, I love her little smile so much!!

So I have been thinking a lot lately about our living situation, and things that I want to change. It's constantly on my mind, being home all the time. First of all, I will admit that I am not the best housekeeper in the world. I am trying to get better at it, but honestly, I guess I'm a little lazy. I have decided though, that here in the next couple of weeks, I want to do a dollar store/big lots/wal mart/whatever cheap place there is, to get a bunch of organizational tools. I want some more of those plastic drawered bins, a couple of plastic tubs, maybe some closet organizer stuff, some under the counter bathroom organizers, and some pots and pans organizers for the kitchen. I also want a humungous thing of cleaning products because I am sooo running low!

I figure, if I get some of those plastic tubs, I can easily stuff all of my extra pillows and blankets into one and save a bunch of room in my closet, or in the shed. Either one would be great. We have a kind of small place, but I really do like it. I just need to work on making the most of our space, and try to not let it look quite so cluttered. It's going to definately be a work in progress. Wish me luck!!

Dear Ava

Dear Sweet Ava,

I feel like a very weird person writing this to you. Even though other parent's do this, it just seems a little out of the ordinary; though I know I will be glad for things like this.

You have grown so much in these two and half months, although you still look so tiny to me. At a whopping 9 pounds 1 oz, you are starting to look like a normal sized "newborn baby" although you are a little passed that age wise. You are growing so quickly, not just in size but in your personality as well; you have the biggest personality! I can already tell how stubborn and determined you will be just be seeing you try your hardest to roll over, or to hold your head up, or to fight sleep like crazy even when you're exhausted. Your little smile is so contageous, it really is. I love watching your entire face light up when you look at me, which is a look that no one else will ever be able to mimick. You get so tickled when I talk or sing to you that you're almost laughing out loud now. It's so awesome. And I have to talk about when you're mad or upset. Oh my gosh you are such a girl! You have your normal upset hungry cry...but you also have your "i'm pissed off cry", and trust me I know the difference! I never thought that a baby could act like that; its funny.

I am so thankful to be able to stay home with you as much as I do. I'm so glad because I don't want to miss out on anything you do. I love watching you grow and learn. Who would have ever thought that being a mom would feel this great? And I am so glad that your dad is a part of my life and loves you like he does. A lot of people don't get to have that, for which I am thankful I do.

I love you little girl

Perception of Beauty

Source: sadanduseless.com via Katie-Byrd on Pinterest

You know, I am a very negative person when it comes to my outlook on myself; always have been. It is not to look for pity from others. It is not to "fish for compliments". It is just a fact. I am not sure why I can't seem to find confidence in myself. I do not understand why I am always so negative, when I have a wonderful guy who loves me, and a beautiful little girl who came from me. A part of me has to be attractive in some way to create someone so perfect. I am trying not to perceive myself so negatively though. I'm trying to pick out the things in myself that I can actually consider to be attractive.

If I can be honest though, I do have a lot of work to do for myself. Not to achieve the beauty that is perceived by the masses, but to feel pretty for me. It's not enough to be reassured by the people around you that you "look fine". I want to be able to see it through my own eyes. It might sound crazy but I want to actually feel pretty. I want to not be doubtful, because I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

To do this, yes, I need to lose quite a bit of weight, actually. Having a baby is no excuse to let your body become what mine has. I am embarrased. As if stretch marks weren't enough, I have about 80-100 pounds that should not be there based on my height. That's not based on anorexic standards, that's based on a healthy lifestyle. I am ashamed that I have let myself become like this because of my pure laziness.

I also need to find motivation within myself because I know that I will never feel attractive unless I start trying. I have already taken on the role as "house wife". Not cute, stepfordy, but frumpy, married 40 years kind. I want motivation to get up in the morning and put effort into the way I look. I know I need to do this because if I don't feel attractive, I know I must not look it either.

Anyway, that's a lot to throw out there but I figured maybe if I wrote it all down I could remind myself of these goals that I need to actually keep.

Planning

So here lately we have been thinking a lot and have been trying to work on plans for the not so near future; like in the next 5 years. Ava will be old enough to start school by then, and to be honest, I do not want her going to school here on the northside, which is too quickly becoming more and more dangerous. So we have decided to send her to one in nassau; callahan to be specific. The only issue with that, is we have to have a callahan address in order to do so, so we were thinking about building a house...one of these actually:





Pretty nice, right? and by then we should have everything established to be able to do so, and Chad will be moving up even more at JEA, so...yah. Pretty exciting stuff I think.

I have also decided that I want to go back and get my Associate's degree so I can get a job up there as well. Obviously not doing the same kind of work though. lol.

Almost a month

Yes, we're smiling noticeably now. =)

I am starting back working a couple of nights a week starting this week coming up. My trial run was tuesday and I admit, I was kind of nervous. It may not seem like a lot, but a month is a long time to be out of work, for someone who is used to being a crazy workaholic; stealing everyone's shifts away. haha. It will probably only be 2-3 shifts a week though, nothing crazy. I don't have time for anything too drastic, since I have this new full-time mommy thing going on, and I refuse to pay 200 a week for a sitter. So I'm Going to only work nights/weekends when Chad is home to watch her. Which works out. I'm actually ok with only a few shifts though. It is crazy that tuesday night I was literally only at work for 3 1/2 hours and I was having Ava withdrawals something fierce! Not to mention, I would actually like to have time off with Chad every once in a while, and if I did something crazy like work 40 hours a week, that would never happen. Heck, I might not even keep working if it's that crazy. We shall see I guess.

I have to say that it amazes me how much she has changed in these few short weeks that she has been here. It's so awesome. Her little smiles, her constant cooing, how she is already trying to scoot herself across the floor, and hold her head up. And I look at all of her hospital pics and already she looks like a totally different baby to me, and she's not even a month old yet! I am so thankful for the fact that I am here pretty much all day, every day with her, so I can have that much needed bonding experience. Yes, I am infatuated, as is her daddy...I think he may already be wrapped =)

Anyhoo...that's the biz.

November 17th

Today was my actual due date so I figured it was as good a day as any for an Ava update. I am quickly learning what it means to go on little to no sleep, and I won't deny, it's hard. She sleeps all day every day, and wants to be awake all night long. I'm pooped, seriously. What makes it worse, is I feel like I waste my day away taking naps and such...my house is still in utter chaos from when we moved, which bothers me. ughhh.

I just...I feel like I'm still not getting the knack of all of this, which upsets me. I want to be so great at this mommy thing, but honestly, I don't feel like I am. I am trying to learn though.

On a more positive note, I had my follow up obgyn appointment this week, and I am officially 17 pounds less then my last prenatal appointment, and I am 9 pounds less then my before pregnancy weight. I still need to lose a lot, but I feel pretty awesome that I've already lost that much and I haven't even started dieting or working out. And she didn't help all that much, since she was a tiny little thing =)

Tomorrow we have another pediatrician appointment for her, which is not going to be fun...time for shots. yuck =(

Anyway, that is all.

Ava

I am a bit delirious still from lack of sleep, but I felt the need to tell you all about the newest change in my life.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my dr. and her estimate was 2 weeks left for miss Ava to get here. Well, she quickly changed that answer to "sometime in the next 48 hours" when she checked me. I went home and had small contractions for a while, so I packed up bags and waited for Chad to get home; I knew he would rather take me there to be safe so I wanted to have everything I needed with me.

Honestly? I started having a lot of doubts in my abilities while I sat at home, waiting for all of this to happen. All I could think was that I was going to be a mom very soon, and there was so much that I hadn't done yet, that I should have already...so I started having that terrible mom syndrome. I guess pregnancy makes me extra over emotional? Anyway...

We checked in the emergency room, and they sent me over to the maternity ward, to be checked and...they decided to keep me! Needless to say it took so long to get to where I needed to be to have her. I was pretty good to go once they got that epidural in my system though; I thought I wasn't going to be able to handle it, but my contractions were so bad that I didn't even feel the needle! Such a plus!

Anyway, to spare all of the yucky details, Ava decided to get here at 2:31 am this morning(November 3rd) in all of her 5 pound 14 ounce glory. She is such a tiny little thing.

You know what's crazy though? Any doubt that I had about my abilities melted away as soon as I saw her. She's absolutely beautifully perfect in every way...such a mom thing to say right?

I couldn't have asked for a better man to have a baby with. Chad took such good care of me and constantly kept checking on me, and you know what? I think he fell harder in love with that little girl than he did with me...it was awesome.

I'm going to go back to sitting here in the hospital, but I thought I'd share a bit of my past two days, since they are for sure going to affect the rest of my life.

Dream House

I hung out with my friend heather yesterday for the first time in FOR-E-VER and we watched "The Last Song"...sad movie, with terrible acting on Miley Cirus' part, but who can really pass up a Nicholas Sparks inspired sob fest? Not this girl. Anyway, I absolutely fell in love with this house in the movie, so it kind of sparked my interest.
So, I am in the process of planning my non-existent future dream home. =)
I have decided that no matter where we live, I realllyyy love plantation homes. Like "Gone With The Wind" style plantation homes.






Beautiful right?





And obviously, if you are lucky enough to have such an amazing house, you can also afford an amazing driveway leading up to such a great house. I found this picture that I thought was pretty but not quite right actually. I think maybe more of a Brother's Grim look for me would work, like with the really pretty old trees, completely making a cover over the road...Imagine this, I'm sure it would work better!!


And the last important thing on my list so far, is the one thing I really want/need in a house, and that is a library. I have also wanted a library like the one from beauty and the beast, but as long as it has plenty of shelves, and giant windown, with maybe one window seat thrown in for good measure, I will be living a dream! I think I would even make that my little sanctuary...throw in a piano and a bunch of comfy sitting chairs. And don't forget the giant sliding ladders.

Ok, that's enough silly dreaming for the day. I will save this list, since of course we're going to win the lottery. =)

Ha ha...have a good weekend!!

The makings of a future mommy

So I must say that this pregnancy thus far is a little bit crazy. Most likely though because it is my first go round. I think I'm doing pretty well with this whole experience though, and I feel like I'm learning so much, which is really cool. I love hearing ideas from other moms, because there is so much that you think you know about, and it just blows your mind when you find out about all of this other stuff. haha.

So far I haven't had any issues other than the norm, so I've been lucky. I have found out however, if I sneeze, I pretty much have to run to the bathroom so I won't pee myself, which can possibly end in embarrassment, seeing as I work at a job where I wait on people. lol

I have also learned that I am a freak and love for Chad to rub my stomach 24/7 because it makes me feel better. And here I thought I was going to hate the feeling of someone touching my stomach!

I have also learned that I am super greedy, and am kind of enjoying all of the attention you get for being pregnant. I know I know...pathetic, but mostly it's because people like to feed pregnant chicks, and I looooooveeeee food right now! lol

The only real stress I have had too much, is thinking about the baby shower. I have had so many people say they would help, but I'm still feeling a little bit like it's not going to come through. But hey, that's where I'm lucky. I have a wonderful guy who said he'll throw me one if it all doesn't work out. He's such a catch, huh? <3

Now that I am over the ever present morning sickness phase, I am feeling quite normal...or normal for an overweight person with extreme hunger, a tiny bladder, and a knack for being uncomfortable all the time.

Ahhh the joys of being a new mommy!

The past few days

So I have been feeling quite productive this week..well, in comparison to me the rest of my life I suppose. haha. We took a grocery run to winn dixie to stock up on things we can actually do for meals at home. We eat fast food so much, which not only makes me feel like a giant grease ball, but also is way more money that we could be saving. I've found actually, that I am having a hard time finding anything that doesn't look gross to me. I think working in a resturaunt makes it worse, but anytime I smell something that seems like it's soaked in grease and deep fried, it's a total turn off to my taste buds. I actually want to stock up on some grapes, strawberries, bananas, and pineapple which sounds ridiculously awesome right now! I'm upset that I didn't get some already..haha.

The past two nights we have eaten pretty yummy things for dinner, or at least I think so..and my tummy agrees! The night before last we had tortellini in spaghetti sauce with garlic bread. Last night I made shephard's pie, yes...I MADE IT which is a pretty big deal since I burn water. haha..there's a picture of the awesomeness lol




Today has been a pretty good day too I think. Chad has the ENTIRE weekend off with me! wooohoo! So today we cleaned the entire house. It smells so nice. haha.

Ok, that's enough from me today I think.
looveeessss

Newfound Pioneer Woman

So, after hearing my mom rave and rave continuously about this blog she follows, I decided to check it out. I'm sure everyone besides me has heard of her before now, but hey I'm a late bloomer. She calls herself the Pioneer woman, and has done countless interviews on the view and oprah and other things of that nature. I looked at her blog though, and she does countless features about recipes and her photography and just...she's actually pretty amazing.

I'm actually kind of envious of this woman. She's pretty amazing. haha.

I believe she's the type of mother that I wish I could be. They have a ranch/farm, and she's a stay at home mom. But everything she does involves activities with her kids, and all of her amazing photography sessions, and homeschooling, and house work and farm work and...as weird as it sounds I believe I would have a blast doing something like that with my life. I would feel useful I think, unlike now.

I have become so wrapped up with getting sick from this freakin pregnancy, that I have totally shown a lack of appreciation for everything that Chad has done for me. He works 7 days a week, plus overtime to take care of me. He's told me that if I didn't go back to work he would take care of me and the baby. And what do I do? Lie around the house feeling sorry for myself and how I feel. How pathetic. And what do I do for him in return? I mean, I can't even cook...I'm a terrible housekeeper. I'm just...lazy I guess. I want to break out of this that I am. I want to be a great wife and housekeeper and mother ...I want to do things for him like he does for me. And I think what pisses me off the most is when anyone acts like they know anything about us or our lives. If they really did, I think they would know that he has taken care of me more than anyone else has, and I couldn't have asked for a better father for my child. I look forward to growing together and embarking on this journey that we're about to experience.

A Nosey Nose that Knows best...? I am crazy

I haven't felt like the luckiest person to ever get knocked up. I mean, I'm happy and all but I seem to be getting ever stupid symptom possible already and it freakin sucks! My synuses(sp?) are swollen shut and I cant breathe, and my nose runs all day every day and I keep coughing. And I'm getting morning sickness every freakin day. I can't wait to get fatter so all of this sucky part will go away! haha. I know, I'm a big complainer but I feel like I can't even go anywhere because I feel so nauseous all the time.

Anyway...I have my first doctor's appointment on april 5th unless I can find one sooner. I'm getting pretty excited though. I'm pretty sure that here soon they will (hopefully) be able to tell me the sex of the baby. =) and you know what that means? I can waste my night making registries for baby stuff, which is the most fun part of all this! haha.

I'm luckier than most I guess, in the sense that since I feel sick all the time, I really don't over eat or get cravings or anything, so hopefully I wont have a hard time losing weight afterwards- hopefully I won't get that huge. *crossing fingers*

kk..off to go sleep some more. wooooooo

A grape? really????

I'm starting to feel that tiny bit of doubt in the back of my mind for letting the "cat out of the bag" , so to speak. I'm happy, really I am, and everyone is acting all excited...which I must admit, the attention is kind of fun.lol. But I'm still not at that point where I know everything is ok, where I know exactly what's going on with my body or anything really. I'm still waiting to hear back so I can get a real checkup. I dunno...I'm just nervous I guess.

But since I'm a crazy person, I was looking up foods to eat and not eat, and it brought me to all these pages where it tells me what's going on at 9 weeks, which is how far along the doctor thinks I am. Apparently my baby no longer has a tail, which is a relief for most moms to hear I would think. haha. Also, the baby is about the size of a grape. A freakin grape! So I look like a cow, and I only have an extra grape inside of me??? How ridiculous is that? It really is amazing though. I just found out the other day, and I'm already taking all of this on pretty well I think. I'm even a little bit excited. Crazy huh?

I am way more tired that I usually am, but I think I still need to wake myself up early every day, or at least at the same time, because I don't want to sit around doing nothing all the time. I feel so unmotivated, and it sucks. I need to clean and do laundry and read(which I haven't done in a little while). I just feel blahhhh...but I guess it comes with the territory. I actually am trying to get a hold of "What to expect while expecting." I think I may look on amazon, and get it used. =)

Ok, enough crazy, ranting from the queen of moodswings.

Peace out homies?