Cool mom

I'm not sure why this is on my mind so much lately, but it is. I think a lot about my situation. By that, I of course mean motherhood. I think of how I felt when I found out about this little thing growing inside of me. I think of how I felt the first time I told anyone. The first time I felt her move. The first scary thought I had or worry. Then I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on her. She was absolutely beautiful, and she was all mine. I think about how I never in a million years wanted to be a mother. Not to sound terrible, I just never thought I was the type. I wasn't one of "those girls" who dreamed of babies since puberty. But it did happen to me. And now, she's all I ever think about. How can someone become so important to you, without even having to try? I really couldn't comprehend it until I had Ava, but the motherly instinct is so real; so overwhelming. I think about how much I love spending every moment I have with her, how amazing it is to see how much she changes each and every day. It's incredible. But what happens next? What happens when she outgrows me? It will happen. She will have friends, and need her space...and I will be left in the lurch. It's official. I have become the crazy needy mom, and my daughter isn't even anywhere near old enough to comprehend her mother's insanity. Poor baby doesn't even know what's coming for her. lol. Man I need to start hanging out with adults again! lol. Is it too much to ask to be someone she will actually want to hang out with? Yes, I am striving to be the "cool mom"...good luck with that, right?

Ok, psychotic episode over.

Nerd

I might have an obsession with taking pictures of this girl,but come on! She's adorable =)

So, I have realized that I'm not quite as crafty as I would like to believe. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's realized this about myself. lol. Oh well. I think it would be cool to take some martha stewart lessons.

I am in a super scrap-booking kind of mood her lately. I think I want to have a party for all of the nerdy people like me =)

Stay at Home

Man Oh Man, this girl is getting so big so fast. It's a little surreal. She's rolling over now(sometimes)...mostly when she's in the mood because, well, she's very moody. Just like a woman, I guess. haha. I can't imagine doing anything else with my days though. I love it more and more every day I get to experience all of this. I have decided also that we are going to be very "gilmore". We're going to be best friends and what-not. Hopefully that'll work, right? =)


I feel like I am full of excuses lately. I am at one of those dark points, where I don't just feel slightly overweight; I feel disgusting. It had to come to that point eventually, but I didn't know it would hit so hard. It just sucks...a lot. It was so easy to brush it under the rug when I was pregnant, and even when I first came home, because there wasn't much I could do about it. Now I know that I have to chalk it up to pure laziness, and it makes me feel even worse. I feel like I'm always going to be unhappy with myself, because I feel like it's not going away. And the worst part is I can do something about it...I just don't. I get so sidetracked at home taking care of her...it's horrible. Ughhh. I am thinking about trying to find a new routine of eating and such, at least while I'm home during the day. Hopefully it'll help with all this.

Ok, so on to more positive things. I found a chart through pinterest. I will admit it proudly that I am an addict, to say the least. Anyway, it's supposed to help me breakdown cleaning and daily tasks, so maybe I can get my house the way it should be, and keep it that way. Wish me luck!!

And now, some more pictures of my beautiful girl. =)

Spring Cleaning Time

Man, I love her little smile so much!!

So I have been thinking a lot lately about our living situation, and things that I want to change. It's constantly on my mind, being home all the time. First of all, I will admit that I am not the best housekeeper in the world. I am trying to get better at it, but honestly, I guess I'm a little lazy. I have decided though, that here in the next couple of weeks, I want to do a dollar store/big lots/wal mart/whatever cheap place there is, to get a bunch of organizational tools. I want some more of those plastic drawered bins, a couple of plastic tubs, maybe some closet organizer stuff, some under the counter bathroom organizers, and some pots and pans organizers for the kitchen. I also want a humungous thing of cleaning products because I am sooo running low!

I figure, if I get some of those plastic tubs, I can easily stuff all of my extra pillows and blankets into one and save a bunch of room in my closet, or in the shed. Either one would be great. We have a kind of small place, but I really do like it. I just need to work on making the most of our space, and try to not let it look quite so cluttered. It's going to definately be a work in progress. Wish me luck!!

Dear Ava

Dear Sweet Ava,

I feel like a very weird person writing this to you. Even though other parent's do this, it just seems a little out of the ordinary; though I know I will be glad for things like this.

You have grown so much in these two and half months, although you still look so tiny to me. At a whopping 9 pounds 1 oz, you are starting to look like a normal sized "newborn baby" although you are a little passed that age wise. You are growing so quickly, not just in size but in your personality as well; you have the biggest personality! I can already tell how stubborn and determined you will be just be seeing you try your hardest to roll over, or to hold your head up, or to fight sleep like crazy even when you're exhausted. Your little smile is so contageous, it really is. I love watching your entire face light up when you look at me, which is a look that no one else will ever be able to mimick. You get so tickled when I talk or sing to you that you're almost laughing out loud now. It's so awesome. And I have to talk about when you're mad or upset. Oh my gosh you are such a girl! You have your normal upset hungry cry...but you also have your "i'm pissed off cry", and trust me I know the difference! I never thought that a baby could act like that; its funny.

I am so thankful to be able to stay home with you as much as I do. I'm so glad because I don't want to miss out on anything you do. I love watching you grow and learn. Who would have ever thought that being a mom would feel this great? And I am so glad that your dad is a part of my life and loves you like he does. A lot of people don't get to have that, for which I am thankful I do.

I love you little girl

Perception of Beauty

Source: sadanduseless.com via Katie-Byrd on Pinterest

You know, I am a very negative person when it comes to my outlook on myself; always have been. It is not to look for pity from others. It is not to "fish for compliments". It is just a fact. I am not sure why I can't seem to find confidence in myself. I do not understand why I am always so negative, when I have a wonderful guy who loves me, and a beautiful little girl who came from me. A part of me has to be attractive in some way to create someone so perfect. I am trying not to perceive myself so negatively though. I'm trying to pick out the things in myself that I can actually consider to be attractive.

If I can be honest though, I do have a lot of work to do for myself. Not to achieve the beauty that is perceived by the masses, but to feel pretty for me. It's not enough to be reassured by the people around you that you "look fine". I want to be able to see it through my own eyes. It might sound crazy but I want to actually feel pretty. I want to not be doubtful, because I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

To do this, yes, I need to lose quite a bit of weight, actually. Having a baby is no excuse to let your body become what mine has. I am embarrased. As if stretch marks weren't enough, I have about 80-100 pounds that should not be there based on my height. That's not based on anorexic standards, that's based on a healthy lifestyle. I am ashamed that I have let myself become like this because of my pure laziness.

I also need to find motivation within myself because I know that I will never feel attractive unless I start trying. I have already taken on the role as "house wife". Not cute, stepfordy, but frumpy, married 40 years kind. I want motivation to get up in the morning and put effort into the way I look. I know I need to do this because if I don't feel attractive, I know I must not look it either.

Anyway, that's a lot to throw out there but I figured maybe if I wrote it all down I could remind myself of these goals that I need to actually keep.

Planning

So here lately we have been thinking a lot and have been trying to work on plans for the not so near future; like in the next 5 years. Ava will be old enough to start school by then, and to be honest, I do not want her going to school here on the northside, which is too quickly becoming more and more dangerous. So we have decided to send her to one in nassau; callahan to be specific. The only issue with that, is we have to have a callahan address in order to do so, so we were thinking about building a house...one of these actually:





Pretty nice, right? and by then we should have everything established to be able to do so, and Chad will be moving up even more at JEA, so...yah. Pretty exciting stuff I think.

I have also decided that I want to go back and get my Associate's degree so I can get a job up there as well. Obviously not doing the same kind of work though. lol.